Signs of sexual abuse in children

Signs of sexual abuse in children

Signs of sexual abuse in children

In the last post, we talked about how parents can train our little ones to be aware of sexual abuse. Right there, we mention that knowing the methods does not mean that we can completely prevent this from happening. Regrettably. If this happens to any of your children, God forbid this never happens, here I tell you how we parents can identify the signs that it has happened.

There are many signs that a child can give when he is a victim of sexual abuse, and it also depends on age. In younger children, the attitude is usually withdrawn or, on the contrary, they look for any fault to stand out in front of their parents. Like a bad attitude. In babies, unexplained blood or bruising is often a sign that something is not right. And as a parent, it is something that needs to be investigated thoroughly. I hate bringing you sensitive topics that can cause you fear, but as a woman, I suffered abuse in childhood, and I never had the confidence to say it. I didn’t even know how to broach the subject. As a mother, my biggest fear is that something like this will happen to my little ones. That is why I believe that it is a subject that every father and mother should be aware of and be alert to.

In young and older children, bruises are again a sign. If your son or daughter suddenly takes an attitude towards someone or a place that they didn’t have before, it may be a sign that something is not right. Another behavior could be that of a child who normally went to the bathroom and now suddenly wet the bed again. They have nightmares, or they suck their thumb, these may be signs of some kind of abuse.

In adolescents, if they are easily frightened, or if they feel any physical pain, or have difficulty walking, it may be a sign of something wrong. The most important thing is that we, as parents, give our children that confidence that they can talk to us about anything.

If you suspect that something like this may have happened, please go to the right place. Either with a psychologist, if your child does not want to talk to you, or the corresponding authorities if you are sure that something has happened.

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Telling your children about the divorce is one of the most difficult parts of the entire divorce process. Children look to their parents for security, and a divorce inevitably changes the family base on which a child has come to depend.

It’s an important conversation because it gives parents a chance to try to lay the foundation for a healthy new start for the whole family. It is one of those moments that children will always remember. Which means that it must be done well, and with time.

Both parents should sit together to quietly share the news. To avoid conflict in front of children, parents must agree on what will be said in the conversation. It is a time when children need reassurance and the best way to do this is to teach children that both parents are still on the same team when it comes to parenting. What is said in that conversation will depend on the age of the children. And it’s a good idea to let them ask questions instead of giving them too much information.

Another point that must be taken into account is custody. If they are not yet well decided on the subject, they should also share it with the children. For example, “We both love you and we both want to be with you. We are trying to find out what is best for you. “ Avoid talking about financial matters with children, it is unnecessary. And it should be clarified that they are not the culprits of the separation.

There are some children who, after seeing so many discussions, are relieved of the decision. But there will be others who do not, and on the contrary, they react annoyed or guilty.

In the way children react, parents must listen fully.

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Why do children lie

Why do children lie and how to make them stop lying?

Why do children lie and how to make them stop lying?

When parents discover for the first time that their child is lying, there is nothing in the world that prevents us from feeling some kind of pain in the heart. It does not matter if it is broken glass.
Most parents want our children to grow up with integrity and in a real environment. Children when they are young, are unaware of the moral implications of lying. This is because they often find it difficult to distinguish between the real and the imaginary. And they want only to please the elderly. Young children like to make up stories. These children often confuse reality a bit with fantasy.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a psychologist and mother, says: “The line between fantasy and reality is a little darker for children than it could be for adults.”

Children will tell a lie every time they think telling the truth will get them in trouble. They see lying as a way of staying close to their parents, ensuring their biological survival and psychological safety. They are necessary for a child to grow and prosper.

“From an evolutionary point of view, our children need to feel safe with us, which means they need to feel that we want them close and love them. If telling the truth will make you feel ashamed and alone, you will feel compelled to lie to continue feeling good right now. “

 

It is difficult for them to discern between good and evil. Punishing them for acting badly and accustoming them to reacting out of fear could lead to them taking the path of lying even more seriously. When an accident occurs, such as the child breaking a vase. Parents must react in a certain way so that the child feels confident that they can tell the truth.

For example: “Okay, you can tell me what actually happened. I’m not going to punish you, I just want to know what we can do so that it doesn’t happen again and avoid a major accident. ”

Every child’s behavior comes with an emotion behind it. If parents are interested in what their children feel inside, they are much more likely to tell the truth.

 

When the lie does not stop.

If the approach is to make the child understand that he should not lie and yet he continues to lie, it is time to move on to the next level. This is when the child should be informed that their actions will have consequences. Punishment does not have to be excessive, but it must address lying.

For example, when a teenager should have done his homework and did not do it. He must be punished and forced to complete his work. But they must also know that telling the truth reduces their punishment. Parents should let their children know that there will be a reduction in their punishment due to honesty.

The Child Mind Institute recommends that parents let their children know that perfection is not an expectation. A “truth check” is suggested. When a child gives an answer, the parent gives him a few minutes to reconsider that answer.

 

Another example would be:

“I’ll ask you a question, and you might tell me something I don’t want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not what you really are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes we make mistakes. So please think about giving me an honest answer. “

 This will ease the tension of the situation a little more and your child will feel more comfortable with you.

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Physical punishment has negative effects

In previous generations it is very common to hear that parents used to spank their children to educate them. It was undoubtedly one of the most used resources to discipline in previous times. However, in recent decades it has been shown that these types of measures, instead of helping, end up damaging more. 69 studies carried out in different countries concluded that physical punishment does not correct or improve the behavior of children. Rather, they have the exact opposite effect.

 

When analyzing the results of each of the studies carried out, key issues were found about the use of physical punishment. For example:

  • Physical punishment consistently predicts an increase in children’s behavior problems over time.

  • Physical punishment is not associated with positive outcomes over time.

  • Physical punishment increases the risk of involvement with child protective services.

  • Physical punishment predicts a worsening of behavior over time in experimental studies.

In general, after analyzing the studies, it was concluded that the findings indicate that physical punishment is harmful to children. And besides not being effective, they make the opposite happen. Well, it increases behavior problems and other long-term problems. For this reason, there are more and more countries in which physical punishment of children is prohibited by law. And in another study it was found that children who did not suffer from child violence are less violent when they become adolescents or adults.

Think twice the next time you lose your patience. Count to 10 and breathe. Children are the most beautiful thing a woman can experience in her life.

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Complications come when there are problems in the child on an emotional level. Children who need constant adult supervision, because their parents have not well reinforced independent behavior or positive behaviors.

Parents may focus more attention on the bad things that their children do, and for that reason, they believe that it is necessary to misbehave to get the attention of the parents. Why is positive attention important? Ultimately, from birth, children need experiences and relationships that show them that they are valuable human beings and capable of doing valuable things for others. Adult reactions and responses are key to helping children build a valuable picture of how important they are.

Look at your son and smile. Show interest in what he is doing, and even ask him to talk to you. You pay attention to him and listen carefully when he talks to you. Take the time to be with him or her. And praised the new skills he or she learns.

Attention is a basic need that everyone needs. While it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing for a child to seek attention all the time, it is often interpreted as negative. When in reality they are looking for love, support and care. More hugs, empathy and affection is what is recommended in the relationship between parents and children.

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Of course, it should be an enjoyment for both parties, and not an obligation. It should not be strenuous for grandparents since they are older and do not have the same energy as when they were younger. Best of all, thanks to a study conducted in Germany, it was confirmed that grandparents who take care of their grandchildren occasionally live longer!

Specifically, the risk of dying in the next 20 years is reduced by 37%. The study was conducted over the decades between 1990 and 2009. In a group of 500 people between 70 and 100 years. By following up on the elderly through interviews and medical check-ups.

Taking into account socioeconomic conditions, they found that most of the grandparents who cared for their grandchildren were still alive many years after the first interview. While the group that did not have regular contact with them presented a much higher mortality.

Among the group that spent the most time with their grandchildren, the health indicators were better. This is thought to be because they could release more oxytocin. Known as the hormone of love. Segregated at extremely high levels during childbirth and also during lactation. Along the same lines of studies, they pointed out that caring for grandchildren prevents cognitive deterioration but provided that the time of care is controlled.

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Either way, it is beneficial to talk about the chances we have after giving birth by cesarean section. Today I will tell you the experience of a close friend. In her first pregnancy, she was diagnosed with an occlusive placenta previa, the media that saw her ultrasound told her that the baby would be delivered by cesarean section. And, indeed, it was.

One of the things the doctor told her was that she shouldn’t get pregnant again for the next two years. When she considered being a mom again, she wondered if it would be possible to give birth naturally this second time. So many doubts arose. When asking the gynecologist, I commented that several factors could come into play. Among them are:

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  • The prenatal control that is done during the second pregnancy.

  • At the time of delivery, it is necessary to intervene as little as possible, and avoid that it is prolonged in an excessive way.

  • On the part of the patient, the most important thing is to respect the deadline after the cesarean section to guarantee a good healing of the uterus.

 

After having gone through an almost idyllic childbirth, the moment arrived. Her waters broke, she was admitted to the hospital immediately, and within the next two hours the contractions began steadily.

However, the dilation started slowly. So the epidural was applied. After applying the epidural, she began to dilate rapidly and gave birth naturally. It was a quick and uncomplicated procedure. So I believe that each head is a world. What may work for one person may not work for another.

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As parents, we teach our children many ways to be careful. For example, we tell them not to play in the kitchen when the stove is on, look both ways before crossing, not walk barefoot on the cold ground, etc. But generally, “bodily” safety is not taught until children are grown. And I can say that, in all cases, it is always too late.

During an investigation by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), it was estimated that at least 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. Another thing, according to the Department of Justice, only 10% of the abusers were unknown to the child and 23% of the abusers were children. Children who have been victims of sexual abuse, the majority are under 5 years old and almost all know their abuser. It is almost always another child who does the abuse.

Do your children go to daycare, or play at the neighbor’s house, or do you have family or friends at your house? The truth is that the risk of your child being sexually abused cannot be completely prevented. Many cases that have occurred have been inside their homes, in the backyard, school, pajama parties, school bus, etc. There are few parents who talk to their children about these issues. And less in advance. They believe that children are too young and some consider it a taboo subject.

The truth is, it’s NEVER too early and it doesn’t have to be a scary conversation.

  • Talking about the parts of the body from the beginning is essential. Naming them with their correct name and teaching the children what these parts are will help if in any case the feared thing happens so that the child can identify if something inappropriate has happened.

  • Tell your child that private parts are so called because they are not visible to everyone. Explain that as they grow older, it’s okay for Mommy and Daddy to be able to see their private parts because they may still need help going to the bathroom or bathing, but outsiders should always see them with their clothes on.

  • Explain to your child that no one should touch their private parts and that no one should ask him or her to touch someone else’s private parts.

  • Most abusers tell children to keep it a secret. It is important that you tell your children that no matter what someone else says or asks them, body secrets are not right and that they should always tell Mommy or Daddy.

  • It is important to remember that the world today is very distorted and there are more and more existing pedophiles. Therefore, children should be taught that photographs are not something to be accepted from anyone either.

  • Teach them to say NO. Many children just dealing with an adult can feel intimidated. That is why it is important that we as parents teach them to say no when they do not feel comfortable. It does not matter if it is an adult or another child. And that you should always notify someone else when parents are not around.

  • As children get older, the topic can be discussed more openly and more detailed. Using a keyword that only the child and parents know can be very helpful. For example, if they are at a pajama party, or when there are guests at home, if your child does not feel comfortable with someone in particular, they can use this keyword and take action on the matter.

  • Let your kids know that they will never get in trouble for telling “body secrets.” Make it clear to them that they will not get in trouble for any reason if they tell their parents what happened. This fear is generally imposed by the abuser.

 

These warnings will in no way prevent sexual abuse. But knowledge is a powerful deterrent, especially with other children.

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Raise good children with the advice of Harvard

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Like all good parents, we want our children to be good, intelligent, bright and educated people. Parenting is a sophisticated craft in which it is necessary to mobilize intentions, efforts and strong wills. Something that we cannot forget is that we must be your best reference.

Looking for the good of our fellow men, we also find our own. Plato said. Therefore, let us seek to educate our children in this human strength. With the world now increasingly complex and chaotic, the nobility of the heart is a beacon that should guide the new generations at all times.

We can find a lot of advice everywhere on how to be a good parent. However, there is something evident. Beyond what the great gurus tell us. Parenting and education is a difficult thing. An everyday challenge. Sometimes we demand a lot from children, and very little from ourselves.

  • Time is not gold. Time is life.
    A key to understanding how to raise good children lies in being present parents. Be receptive and close to our children.

  • Enriching dialogues.
    Early language exposure is a very significant stimulus to cognitive and emotional development in children.

  • Gratitude.
    Educating gratitude does not just start from teaching them to say thank you. But rather educate them in generosity, kindness, in knowing how to appreciate the simple things of the day to day, in altruism and respect for others.

  • Ability to solve problems.
    Another key that Harvard University suggests is how to educate good children is in competition: problem solving. Nothing is as constructive and enriching as training our children in basic skills.

  • Beyond technology.
    Children are true digital natives almost since they came into the world. In a short time they begin to understand all their reality through screens. It is true that technologies have their benefits, but they also bring their risks.

Let’s do a self-analysis of ourselves. Instead of asking or demanding that our children be good and respectful, let’s ask ourselves if we are. Pointing the finger is not enough. We are the best reference that our children can have.

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Parents have many questions regarding the upbringing of our children. Obviously, no one is given an answer manual when the baby is born, and for that reason we often make mistakes. One of the questions that I have heard the most is why do I treat my son badly? There may not be a correct answer. Well, each case is unique. But if I bring you some ideas so that you can have more tolerance, respect and understanding for your children. So that your expectations lower a little, and you educate them with positive emotions.

What do I mean when I say: treat children badly? Surely those cases that we usually see on the news of serious physical assault come to mind. But there is a more subtle, less visible, more consensual treatment and it is one that has to do with scorn, bad manners, yelling and insults. As a mother, I fully understand what it’s like to be exhausted and stressed. Day-to-day tasks, work, school and children can impact anyone.

There are days when our patience is reduced to nothing. And we end up getting carried away by anger and frustration. Two intense and powerful emotions that make us feel bad. This post is not to make you feel worse. But to clarify the objective, reflect and become aware. Let’s think together.

These are situations that should never be taken as normal. Because this has a great impact on the lives of our children, and even our own. Taking control of our emotions, slowing down our behavior, not verbalizing some of those thoughts that come to us in moments of anger, all this is called emotional intelligence.

The education that we have had in our childhood has a great influence on how we now treat our children. Emotional exhaustion or high expectations are another reason why we can treat children badly. It will be necessary to stop for a moment and think. What is it that causes me so much frustration?

Here I mean when there is a problem of emotions. Because drugs and alcohol are also important factors in bad behavior, but that is something that needs to be explained in depth. Parents, it’s okay to ask for help. And it is not wrong to feel that way, but rather what is wrong is how we express those feelings.

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